Breastfeeding...LONG

Again I'm getting honest here with my experience so I warn that I might tell you things that can make you cringe. Also, get a cup of coffee because this will be long.

I was so naive in thinking that breastfeeding would be simple and easy! I think back when I went to LLL meetings and with high hopes and no doubts, I listened to other moms and imagined that I too would be breastfeeding with ease. I really felt that I had done my homework and that I was prepared. But I never bothered in learning about issues that might come up. I honestly didn't think I would have any.

My problems started almost immediately. By day two, Easton was just falling asleep at my breast and my right nipple burned from pain. He had sucked enough, though poorly, to make my nipple raw and close to bleeding. By day three, the lactation consultant came over and that's when we realized Easton was not getting much if anything. He had his first bottle of formula and she told me he had a weak suck. We also went through the jaundice ordeal and while we were at the hospital I was on a pumping schedule. I didn't breast feed too much because my right breast was healing and I was still in pain so I pumped and gave him what little I could in addition to formula.

Once home, the LC came over again and told me my milk never came in like it should have. Let me clarify that when you work with a LC they will weigh your baby, have you bf him/her, then weigh them again to see how much they took in. She also had me pump to see how much output I had. From this she gathered that my milk didn't come in. She couldn't make sense as to why this had happened. She could only think that a piece of my placenta was still inside. She said even the tiniest piece left behind can affect the milk supply. So I took a prescription to "expel" anything. I had some cramping but that was all. I also went on another pumping schedule. It made it really hard to go out and if I needed to run errands they had to revolve around my schedule. I think in the beginning I was pumping close to 2oz every 3-4 hours. Not much at all. BFing was still painful on my right breast. I tried different holds but they only caused more pain. I would took breaks from BFing him on my right side in order to let the nipple heal.

At his 1 month appointment he had gained weight beautifully and the ped said I could get him off of formula. That day started a whole other battle emotionally for me. I went home and only gave him one bottle of formula that day but he was so fussy. Then on top of that I had my mother telling me he was hungry and to give him formula because it won't hurt him. I love my mother, but I can seriously say now that I'm thankful she doesn't live with us because she can drive me insane! There is no other woman I trust more than her to care for Easton, but she didn't understand how important BFing was to me. She had a lot of pain BFing my brother and I so she BF us when she could and gave us formula. I needed someone to be supportive and tell me he's going to be ok just soothe him and he can get off formula. So I felt a lot of pressure from her to continue giving him formula.

That day I just broke down crying. It may still have been hormones, but I just felt that I was a failure. I felt hopeless because there was nothing I could do to make more milk. Why did my body fail me? I was constantly pumping and I was getting sick and tired of feeling like I was strapped to the pump. I wanted so badly to just sit down with my baby and nurse him. Just once, with no pain and no worries.

I had some comfort that day from a complete stranger though (God again telling me He's with me). I went out to get the mail when I ran into a neighbor I'd never met and her baby girl. We got to talking and the first thing she asks is how is it going? I was honest and told her about my day and the difficulty I've had with BFing. She then told me she was having such a hard time too. She was going through what I felt was worse than my situation because she ended up getting abscess in her breast! She was told not to BF at all. It felt so good to talk to someone who was going through hard times too. It turns out she got cleared to BF and I believe she is now :)

A great turning point came when I went for my follow up with the midwives. That's when I first heard about domperidone. I could take these pills that were proven to increase your milk supply. Dom is actually to treat nausea and vomiting but a side effect is increasing milk production. It's given to women who adopt and want to breast feed. I was ecstatic! I took them for 3-4 weeks and I did notice an increase, but I kept giving him a few oz of formula. I guess I was scared to just drop the formula all together.

Finally at his two month appt the ped said again I can take him off of formula since he was quite healthy, lol. She said it won't hurt him if he gets some but try to scale back. That day I was determined to get him off formula. He only had one bottle that day. I breastfed him what felt like all the time and it didn't hurt anymore! Instead of me getting him to latch on and putting the nipple in his mouth, I just let him get it himself. It worked like magic. I think BFing him more helped increase my supply too. BUT then...one night I was too tired to get up and pump so I thought I'd just wait for him to wake up and I'll BF him. Well, that night he decided to sleep much longer and I woke up with big hard boobs that hurt.

What came next? Two days later I got mastitis, a breast infection in my right breast from clogged milk ducts. I had the worst chills ever and 103 fever. Luckily, Justin hadn't left for work so he stayed to care for Easton because I couldn't move. I was shaking so bad and then afterward I was so weak. My midwife called in an antibiotic for me and I started it that day. My fever came and went for two days but I felt better the next day. I still had to massage my breast and use hot compresses to get the ducts unplugged. During this time my right nipple started hurting again when I BF him. Ugh! I had to take a day off from BFing him on that breast. The mastitis decreased my milk supply and I had to up his formula intake.

Where are we now? I'm back on Domperidone, my breasts don't hurt, and I'm BFing all the time. I'm still pumping at night and he gets at most 6oz of formula a day. I'm hoping I can try to get him off of it if my supply goes up, but for now I'm completely ok with giving him formula. My heart finally accepted that it's ok to give him some because he is getting mostly breast milk. Formula is not my enemy anymore.

I'm so much happier now and I absolutely LOVE BFing! It's everything I'd imagined it to be. The bonding time and knowing I'm giving him the best warms my heart. It's pretty sweet too that you can just pop a boob for nearly anything. Crying? Give him the boob. Sleepy? Give him the boob. Lately, I'll be BFing him and he'll stop, look up at me and give me the biggest smile. BEST.THING.EVER!

I'm so glad I didn't stop when everything was going wrong. I hope we won't have to for a long time. We're finally in a good place and I'd like to stay here a while :)

My boob man!